Alright, so I got tagged by a couple of people in a little facebook sort of chain letter that was really cool. The idea was this: list 10 books that impacted you in some way. You weren’t supposed to think very hard on this, but let’s face it, I spent the next week wondering what I’d put on my list. The idea on facebook is that you didn’t have to explain why certain books made your list, you just listed them out and let people read into it what they will. Anyway, thank you so much for tagging me, Constance Masters (and Mary Sue Wehr for putting me on your list, as well. You two gals are the sweetest things, and I’m so flattered that you mentioned my books)!
Anywhoo, I didn’t want to do a facebook post on this without an explanation (because then it’d be a LONG status update), because it made me flashback to college when everybody was claiming their favorite book was “Dante’s Inferno” in this name-excessive on the first day. When it came to me, I said, “My name is Korey and–without a doubt–The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” People bawked and started laughing and I shrugged and leaned back, continuing, “Well, really just up to the forth. For some reason ‘Mostly Human’ was hard to get through. I think Restaurant at the End of the Galaxy stood above the rest…” People thought I was an idiot for a couple of days for it. One’s favorite book is a very personal thing that I think says a lot about someone, but the reason behind why someone likes a particular book can’t be lost to translation.
Anyway, Natasha Knight is way smarter than me, because obviously she was thinking the same thing (about wanting to explain her list, for some reason HGTTG didn’t make her list, but I like to think that’s because she hasn’t read it yet…) Anyway, Natasha had the idea of not just making a facebook post, but making it a whole blog post. So, as you can see, I’m totally stealing her idea. She’s pretty cool though, so I think she’ll forgive me for blatantly copying her. 😉
And because I never use 5 words when I could use 50, mine’s super-duper long. Sorry ’bout that. 😉
| The Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch
This was one of those books that my mother gave me, hoping to turn me into a feminist warrior princess. I have to say, that no other children’s book hit me that hard. It was great, I liked it, it does have a feminist message, but it was there that I understood what I wanted in a man. From there, I knew how to write book heroes. I also knew that the best female heroines are strong, savy, but they can be multi-layered. Anyway; strangely it taught me a lot about characterization at a young age–which was handy because I was already writing books and fan-fictions since I was five–but it also taught me that men are supposed to value, respect, and honor a woman, and fuck them if they don’t.
This book mostly taught me about high-jinks and putting blatant sarcasm into any novel and it go over well. Huckleberry Finn didn’t strike me the same way, because it’s not my writing style. I find first-person narrative to be extremely, extremely difficult. The third-person narrative with a sense of humor, though, I can get behind and always try to emulate.
This is the type of book that makes you need to change your pants. It’s so beyond the skill level of anyone who’s lived in the last three-hundred years that it’s like it was written by a supernatural being. That being said, I wrote all over my edition, and that’s even when my copy had 1 inch of text and 10 inches of footers under it. It actually helped me back on course in my personal religious journey. I found it was the first time my puny mind could even pin-prick the idea of the omniscient, and the idea of God’s love and sacrifice and relationship towards us as his creation, and giving even Lucifer a strange sort of role that made you somewhat understand how evil could have been born in the world. I’m not saying I believe it verbatim or anything, but it’s a book that made me consider the fact that I might not know shit from shinola about anything. I had to question everything. It nearly made my brain explode. This book is a masterpiece.
This is one of those books that I liked, then I hated, then I loved, all through the coarse of the first-reading of it. I actually had to read this as an assignment when I was fifteen, and it’s the first book that I read where I read a line that made me stand up, scream, “Holy Shit!” and the run through the house, wondering where my sanity went. I felt like Charles Dickens himself came up about 4/5ths of the way through the book and hit me with a cricket bat. I mean, the story and character weaving is on a whole different level! It seemed too complex to get, and then everything just fell beautifully into place, and it was just jaw-dropping.
Call it tripe if you wish–I know I keep calling it trip, myself–but I keep re-reading the book over and over and over. There’s head-hoping, the plotting’s a little sloppy, but damn it, does she (Jane Austin) know how to write characters. They don’t do a whole lot in the book except chat and drink tea, and I still love the hell out of it. It’s funny, sarcastic, but utterly wonderful. I love happy-sighing when I’m reading.
I’ve re-read this every five years or so. I know, it might seem like a random choice, but hear me out–I love being fed random facts about science, history, nature, or anything else, while still being delighted with a fast-moving plot, excellent characters with great dynamics, witty banter, great villains, all by an author with great imagination. It’s like eating candy while it still being good for you. It gives me excellent brain-fodder and also sparks my desire to go out and learn and research new things. That, and I like Ian Malcolm. A lot.
You might have known this one was coming. I could really wax poetic about Douglas Adams all day long, but here’s the gist–the guy is like the superman of English sarcasm. Sometimes he makes me laugh so hard I feel like I’m gonna pee. That being said, my fascination goes deeper than that–he makes delicious characters and humorous dialogue in his characters, but his narrator’s always second to none. Dirk Gently and the Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul is also fabulous. He has great pacing, fantastic imagination, and puts a million one-liner jokes in every book. I feel he showed me the way when it comes to dialogue… Not that I’m anywhere in the ballpark, but I’d REALLY like to be in that ballpark before I die.
I haven’t read this in a long time, but I remember how deeply it touched me when I read it. This was another assignment-read, I grant you, but I’m glad he assigned it. It was part of this unit on existentialism, and I think a companion read to this would be Camus’ essay on The Myth of Sisyphus which basically says the same thing without putting its reader into a depression. Essentially it’s about this complete sociopath that can’t feel attachment to anyone–he is an innocent product of the world who can only feel with his body; he doesn’t seem to care about anything or have a soul. What got me crying for two days straight is that at the end of the book, I felt like the loss of hope was the loss of existence. Hope is the guiding light of everybody’s life. Hope is what presses us forward… Anyway, it really touched me to the bottom of my heart and I was filled with so much compassion for him. It sort of changed the way I view people and how I judge people as well.
I know what you’re thinking: “You can’t put a whole series in there, Korey. Jesus! Didn’t you get the assignment?” Firstly, I’m already cheating. Secondly, you can’t just put one book. Patrick O’Brien does not write plots, per se. He writes life. I feel like he has the ability to transport me back into time, turns me into a fly, and sticks me to a wall. The conversations are so real. There’s a lot of adventure, but the novels sort of flow one into the next without any real climax or resolution. It’s just history, and people, and how they sometimes pass in and out of one’s lives, sometimes dying or sometimes going through massive heartbreak or elation. Reading it was almost an out-of-body experience; it’s hard to explain, but I really got into these and all the amazing historical details of living through the Napoleonic wars. Most of all…. I likes me a bro-mance.
| The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
Now, Mere Christianity basically rocked my world after college and helped round off my actually being a Christian, so that’s big. But nearly two decades before that point, I read this as a kid and, even though I was really young, the Christian symbolism wasn’t lost on me. I was about four when this book was read to me when I was a kid, and the notion of self-sacrifice was a huge thing to me. It pressed upon me notions of forgiveness and all that. Now, I appreciate it for it’s exceptional story-telling. This is not a long book, but I always feel so attached to the characters. It’s just down-and-dirty good-verse-evil stuff with excellent themes that still get me thinking to this day. If only I could make an allegory like that. Also, it was obvious that Lewis was making a Christian allegory, but I feel he did it without being exhausting or beating anyone over the head. I see a lot of people try to write allegories or make important points in books, and it sounds like nagging. CS new his stuff. That being said, the rest of the series was horrible.
I know, I know, there’s no spanking stories on the list. Certainly, I read a lot of them, and I re-read and re-read again some of them. Some of them will arouse me, tantalize, excite, even change my outlook on sexuality a bit and get me curious to read more. Darla Phelps got me interested in Ageplay with ‘The Pets Series”, Laura Smith got me into threesomes with “The Sam McGee” series. So many authors in the spanking genre are beyond fabulous, and so many of them have also structured the way I write and the way I look at things. I think I chose these books because they opened my eyes, made huge adjustments to my writing style, and sometimes impacted my soul, lifestyle, or the way I saw the universe, or how I live my life.
Now, what would YOUR big ten be?
Welcome to the Round Table. I’ve lurked around the last couple, so I was happy to join in this time. Spanking Romance (a promotional site run by Renee Rose and funded by Blushing Books) sets it up, and each time it’s hosted by a different member of the community who keeps us on track and thinks of the discussion questions. It’s not easy, so I want to thank this Round Table’s hostess, Corinne Alexander upfront for doing an amazing job. She invited me personally, and I really thank her for reaching out to me and helping me get the guts to join this one, since I need an extra kick in the ass.
This round table discussion is about DD. Being in a DD relationship for 6 years has made me really excited about this issue and so interested in what the others will have to say. Remember, I write purely based on my own experiences, which have led to my current opinions and insights. All my opinions might be changed tomorrow, but my experiences won’t.
Experience has been a real eye-opener. See, when I was a preteen, I found out about DD and started to fantasize about it. Based on those fantasies, I decided that it was the type of relationship and lifestyle I wanted. I think I fantasized it to be the easiest lifestyle in the world, one that would make my life fall happily into place once it was implemented. My husband would conquer and tame me, we would never fight, and he would always be right, and I’d enjoy my punishments far more than I should.
That fantasy actually held strong for nearly ten years—in my defense, I lived very free from DDers or the kinkster community. I lived, and went to college in, Vanilla-ville, and certainly never brought up the topic with any of my friends.
My friends would have to be told what DD was before they could begin with their objections. And they would object. When I eventually told them about it, they wondered why on earth I’d fantasize about abuse (which was all DD was in their minds), eventually concluding that I was just extremely sexually depraved. Even today some of them still seem to think that James brainwashed me, even though they know I found him after I talked to them about it.
You see, when many vanillas look upon DD in terms of a long-term lifestyle, they see only potential negative consequences. Here’s what they’ll probably think the participants’ lives and roles in the relationship will look like in the future:
Head of Household (Top, Husband)
Submissive (Bottom, Wife)
I totally understood why my friends were concerned, I just figured that they were 100% wrong and didn’t know what they were talking about—that I had the right of it. Later on, after meeting a lot of kinksters and those who want a DD relationship, I discovered that I wasn’t alone in my hopes, dreams, and beliefs surrounding the lifestyle. I think even in the community of people who know about DD, and who want to be in a similar relationship, many people think that DD has more power to change their lives than it does.
It was a tall order—and the weird thing is even when reality washed through, I ended up with a lot of my list! James is bigger and stronger than me, he can hold me down for a spanking, and he is the most smart, responsible, and dedicated man I know.
But I digress.
My experience quickly showed that I don’t actually like getting spanked—well, not for discipline. I will go to great lengths to avoid it, and neither of us get turned on by a real disciplinary spanking in real-time. (Later in the day or down the road we might look back on it and call it ‘hot’, but we really don’t think that at the time.)
And you know what? That’s the point! Discipline = Not Fun… but that’s the way it had to be for me for this to work. If he went around looking for reasons to spank me, or if I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to, this lifestyle would have been dead within months.
If James even took a fraction of the opportunities he’s come across to discipline me, I would probably have felt beaten down. I make a spanking-worthy mistake every other day! So, James now only spanks me for more extreme offenses. Things we’ve discussed before a million times, etc.
It would feel unfair to me that James never gets punished except that he holds himself steadfastly to a high standard. It’s hard to get angry at him, because he gets so apologetic and angry at himself when he messes up.
That being said, we do fight. Discipline can’t always be pulled out to resolve conflict. And as with every relationship—there will be conflict. There will be angry words and tears and you will have to learn what not to say as well as what to say to make your relationship work. You have to learn to choose your battles and compromise. It’s hard work, and it’s worth it. But DD isn’t a procedure that anyone can perform on their marriage and it be a cure all, because in the wrong hands, or in the hands of people that have unrealistic expectations for their partner, DD can lead to an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
The big mistake I was making in my initial DD fantasies was that I imagined the relationship would be completely focused on me—I would live for me, and the HoH would live for me.
You need to be living for each other’s happiness. If you can get happiness while your partner’s not happy, then DD is probably not for you. It can destroy your relationship. Even when your HoH disciplines, he can’t be happy about it. If he was happy about having to cause you unhappiness, you might have a situation on your hands. That’s not the recipe for a good DD relationship, or any good relationship at all.
But here’s the good news—in my experience, at least—about DD.
It can help you prove your trust & dedication for your partner.
Not a lot of couples have the ability to show their trust for each other in the way DD does and as often as it does. DD is one partner gaining power and responsibility from the other to do the right thing, and it’s acknowledged from both sides. Every time discipline is performed, the trust is refreshed—you give it over / receive it again. I think the frequency of this helps intimacy and the bond of a relationship as well as the self-confidence of the HoH and both get to show that they trust the strength of their bond, making it stronger each and every time.
It raises the standard.
James can make me be a better wife. He makes sure I do what I’ve agreed to do in our partnership and that I actually do what I’ve vowed to do, like be a good helpmate to him. However, he has to hold himself to a higher standard to be able to honestly believe he deserves the responsibility to discipline me—he always strives to be a better husband.
We’ve all seen War of the Roses, but surprisingly a lot of people war with their husband in their own—normally less crazy—ways. “Oh, he bought himself a new car without asking me, so I get to buy this new wardrobe without telling him,” or “If she can’t be bothered to make dinner, then I’m not gonna bother to take out the trash.” I don’t have to deal with that. If what I did is bad enough, he should spank me. If it wasn’t so bad that he spanked me, then it’s not worth getting in a twist over. He should let it go—and he usually does—and then we move on. Me? All I have to do is say, “You wouldn’t let me do that!” and if it is true, James, horrorstruck, will normally concede. It’s actually quite freeing not having resentments brewing inside of us.
Okay, when it comes to things that ‘resolve’ behavior, it’s done fast. I mean, for most things it’s less than five minutes of spanking. Resentment and disappointment normally last much longer.
I should probably add at this point that I think that those reasons alone are enough. We think it’s helped our relationship and our closeness, strengthening our friendship, partnership, and intimacy.
But do we think it’s for everyone? No. It’s all about personalities, individuals, and their own personal strengths and weaknesses. Masochists may need something other than spanking for discipline, for example. If one’s husband is having trouble disciplining himself with his money or responsibilities, then he might still be a fantastic, loving husband, but may not be the best candidate to be the HoH and the disciplinarian.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?!
This is a round-table discussion, so click on the links below to go to the next discussion about DD. For readers and lurkers, though, please comment! I never know what to comment myself, so if you’re stumped, here’s some questions!!
For those in a DD relationship, how does the reality of the relationship compare to what you anticipated beforehand? For those interested in DD, what would be your hopes, fears, and expectations in a DD relationship?
This is a Blog Hop!
I know it looks like I all but disapeared, but believe you me, it couldn’t be helped. I just had the most busy spring, summer, and now fall of my life. It doesn’t seem like I have any time to do anything, and my blogging has very much been left behind.
Here’s some things I’ve been up to:
As I plan to start having children in the near future, I’ve sort of looked at this as the last year to hang out with other spankos, to get to know them, and to know what they want. Sometimes I feel like a space alien with a clipboard watching an experiment with interest. Not that I’m not a spanko, too. I enjoy getting spanked at parties, and there are some people I really look forward to getting spanked by and interacting with.
BBW was in late march, FMS (Florida Moonshine) the first week of June, TASSP I couldn’t get to because it started only 1 1/2 weeks later, but the Crimson Moon was in July, and Shadowlane was the last week of August. So, we had to struggle to get work done between so we didn’t have to work very much during the parties–since there’s no time. Every minute of your time at a party is spoken for.
This year it was particularly important for us to go to as many parties as possible because we plan to start our family this year and worried we wouldn’t be able to go to a party for a couple of years because of babies and breastfeeding, etc, that sort of anchors a mother at home. Also, a lot of guys would be creeped out by spanking a pregnant chick. Not that there’s anything wrong with being pregnant, guys just keep squeamish or flatly don’t want to hurt the baby, which is admirable. Truly, I don’t know if the doctor would even let me go.
I digress. I had some great scenes this year, and met some great people and made some steadfast friendships. I so wish I lived in a more scene-friendly location than ABQ, NM–nobody that goes to parties resides there, so I always come home and feel lonely and increasingly uneasy around my vanilla friends, who I go back to hiding my life away from. That seems extremely lamentful–my life is really fantastic, but I do tend to leave parties with a more and more intense feeling of loneliness.
Many of the people who go are actually tough to just hang out with, however, even if I had lived close to them. ‘Camp friends’ are people who go completely vanilla outside of the party scene, and some of these people are the best people at parties, because they’re really normal and grounded. That being said, you can’t keep life-long close friendships with them outside of the scene, which also is a point of sadness. That being said, it makes me only more greatful when I do get to see party friends outside of the party–it makes it so my heart fills with that much more warm fuzzies for them. They don’t HAVE to see me more than at parties, but the fact that they want to couldn’t make me feel better. I just had dinner at a spanking friend’s house last night with her and her boyfriend and we had a fantastic time girl-talking and I so hope I get to return the hospitality today. I’m still filled with warm fuzzies!
That’s where I am now–doing a tour. It’s been amazing fun and we’ve been working as we went, but it’s not always easy. Internet is always tough to find on the go, and poor James makes a habit of working until 4 or 5 am and getting up three hours later to eat breakfast with me. Poor guy. Still, he’s been a great sport and we’ve been doing enough activity that I’ve been tuckered out every evening.
One of the biggest reasons I haven’t been blogging is because I’ve been writing. Otherworldly Discipline 2 has well passed its deadline and I’m still nowhere near done. It’s been a very hard-to-write novel, but I pray everyone’s patient with it. Sometimes I run into walls with not the plot–because I chart that out–but getting the character to flow along that plotline. I’ve therefore changed and rechanged, and then brought it back to the original, then changed it again, several times. Hopefully it will be done soon. I’ve been working on it so much that the SIDE novel I was working on during breaks came out over a month ago. I was amazed by the success, and I thank you all who’ve read Being Their Baby. Thanks for all the kind and positive words, reviews, and emails–you know how to get a girl back on the computer. I’m getting spoiled by all your good-treatment and I want to keep everyone happy, so I’ll come out with another book as soon as I can. 😉
I know, I know. I’ve gotten emails from y’all and I will reply to each and every one. It’s been a mad-scramble to get everything ready to go to BBW (Boardwalk Badness Weekend) so that we didn’t have to work while we were there… And that tended to be very brilliant because there was only dialup (WTF, right? I didn’t even know dialup still was around! Ah, well) at the hotel and the 3 Starbucks we tried in Atlantic City were internet no-gos. So I apologize, but not that much. My hands, as they say, were tied.
Back to the fun stuff: bragging about the spanking party YOU GUYS didn’t get to go to. I plan to make you green with envy, so watch out.
First of all, it was the best weekend ever. I still haven’t come “down” from how amazing of a weekend it was. From Thursday morning until we caught the plane on Monday, it was non-stop joy, spanking style. There was even a “Strap of Joy”, as Pandora Blake called it, but I digress.
BBW was amazing, and this is coming from someone who normally doesn’t come out from under her rock. I’m an agoraphobic, admittedly. I don’t ‘party’… Normally. But there was something about the whole thing that made me party my ass off. I think spankings have to be involved for me to rock. It wasn’t my first spanking party (it was my third), but I think I have to say it was my favorite. I loved meeting up with all my old friends while adding so, SO many new ones. It was so well organized, the energy everywhere was intoxicating, and there was so much to do that boredom was impossible.
And there were so many hot guys at this party you could get a crick in your neck from all the head-spinning you’d be doing just to check them out. It doesn’t matter the age, there were just so many attractive people–men and women–that it made me a little giddy.
Many of you, my lovlies, haven’t even heard of a spanking party because I haven’t announced I was going much except in passing. Let me break it down for you.
Spankings everywhere, all the time. I have a LOT of voyeuristic tendencies, so there was so much eye-candy I swear my brain got a cavity. Strappings, canings, otks, some in private, some out in the open in the middle of the ballrooms, some in hallways of hotel rooms. Girls acting like brats. guys acting like they could fix the brattiness, and good times had by all. In the day you go to dinners and activities and all sorts of goofy events to spank or get spanked as much as possible or just meet a ton of new friends, and then at night you go upstairs and party with them in whole floors of hotel rooms that the hotel sectioned off for us. You go into one hotel room, then out and into another, chatting, eating, dancing, goofing around, and of course, getting spanked…. Or seeing it. You watch it everywhere–amazing panties, bare bottoms, and of course, so many implements I could talk about them all day.
And you know what the best thing was?
Even if you’re just having a conversation and chilling out, you’re having the conversation with another spanko. Do you know what that’s like? Being excepted already about your deepest, darkest secret before you even form a friendship with that person? Knowing they struggled to hide it like you did, that they used to look up spanking in the dictionary when they were kids, too, that there’s something about it that makes our little brains obsessed by it, etc… It’s relieving, actually, to know that there’s so many people like yourself out there and to be surrounded by them. This party had over 240 people in attendance. Holy moly… It was like being in a huge 4-day-long frat party, where you’re a card-carrying member to a secret club. Nowhere else can a spanko be so truly accepted.
I don’t have any pictures, which sucks because I so wish I could show you what was going on. BUT not having pictures speaks for itself–you don’t have to worry at these things. The BBW organizers were absolutely amazing about jumping in there like rule-ninjas whenever someone was taking out a camera in a main room. You can go to these things and feel 100% safe about your identity staying perfectly secret.
Memories were made. James gave me a discipline spanking in our room with about 10 observers at one point. I think when I look back on it in a few weeks–without blushing uncontrollably at how many people saw my full nakie-ness and how many people could see my embarrassment and exposure–I think I will consider that as really, really hot. 😉 It’ll be one of those awesome things I’ll be looking back and blushing about until I’m in my eighties!
There were so many friends there–some I’d met before, and some not–and I feel so strongly about them right now I feel my heart might give birth to a fuzzy bunny rabbit or something. I can’t describe how amazing these people are. And playing with them–some I got to ‘play’ with a few times–was no less than a privilege. I felt like a kid in a candy shop.
God, except the internet, I can’t think of anything to complain about. It’s weird… I love to complain, so not being able to bitch and moan about something is saying a lot. Oh! I thought about something! I didn’t get into the schoolgirl’s party–they capped it at 14 girls or something and I didn’t even come close to getting my name on the list in time. Urggh. I wanted to go so bad! Grrr!
One thing I need to work on–my tolerance. It’s so weird–there are parts on my body that are sooo resilient to pain. Not my ass, though. My ass is extremely sensitive to touch. Poor Mike Tanner had to spank me like a 10 year old child (he was so nice because when he’s spanking regular, it’s like–wow. It can stir up stomach butterflies big-time) with his strop and still I whined up a storm (don’t get me wrong, it was totally fun and I would have been so sorry if I’d missed it. I’m just a whiny person). If there was a wimp-award I would have won it. Other girls were taking it like pros, full force, and coming back for more. I wish I could have played four times as much as I did, at least.
Anyway, folks–I’ll brag more later. I have 2 books to complete by June 21st somehow, and unless I get a fearie godmother soon, that means it’ll have to be me. I’m also the correspondent for the Cherry Red Report on this party so I’ll go into even more specifics about this party’s particular flavor of awesomeness.
I’ve responded about this on other people’s blogs but I’ve never posted anything about this before on my own. I’ve heard of a lot of people “coming out” as spankos, as in they tell their vanilla family and friends what they’re up to. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Really, it’s all about the delivery.
You could do it this way:
YOUR FRIEND: I don’t know why people like 50 Shades of Grey. It just has a bunch of BDSM and spanking.
YOU: Well, duh. Because spanking and BDSM is totally hot. Me and my husband even partake sometimes. We’re totally into it.
YOUR FRIEND: (laughing) Wow. Okay. TMI. Nevermind.
OUTCOME: There’s very low chance of sling-back because you’re acting so casual about it, and there’s a hidden, ‘We do this but we also do other stuff, too’, message. You’re implying that you’re just talking about the bedroom, and not really going into specifics, like how you obsess about spanking all the time. They’re not even thinking about it in the way you do it. Say something like this, and they’ll think you end your play at the line where you’re tied up or that he might give you a couple of spanks on the rump as he’s hard-fucking you from behind. Maybe even a playful swat outside the bedroom. Lots of non-spankos do the same thing.
In short, you didn’t come out as a spanko., even (which, because spanko could be talked about like a sexual taste and not a lifestyle, so it’s different and more accepted), let alone a wife in a DD relationship. Maybe you will; this is an excellent first step. It’s prep work, but it’s not “coming out”. As far as “DD” goes, you didn’t come out at all. In fact, as far as explaining that your husband does this for discipline… You just mis-directed them. Now, if they see your husband giving you a swat on the bottom, they’ll just think it’s sexual.
Fuck yeah, I’ve done this. I’ve had this exact conversation. It’s no big deal. In fact–I’ve WANTED to misdirect my vanilla friend so that they DIDN’T think that James was the HoH. I’ve gone that far. Hell, I even had a similar conversation with my father that went something like this:
KOREY: You guys [both of my parents] have been pretty cool about the whole erotica business I do.
DAD: Well, it’s no big deal. Sex is out there, and it’s not like you do porn or anything. At least you’re not doing anything Kinky. Like… Like what’s it called? BDSM and stuff.
KOREY: Oh no, Dad. I’ve published BDSM. Lots of it.
KOREY: It’s a big-seller, Dad.
DAD: But you’re not writing it or anything.
KOREY: Yeah I do… It sells.
DAD: … Oh. Okay. Well, you know your audience better than I do.
OUTCOME: If he ever does figure out I’m KMJ, and sees the books I’ve written, he can’t say he hasn’t been warned. Does he even assume I’m in a DD relationship? No. Does he think I write about SPANKING specifically? No. Does he think I’ve done BDSM myself? No. He doesn’t even think that. When I was twenty-two, I went out to a concert with him and his friends, somebody told a blow-job joke, and he put me at the center of attention by asking, “You don’t even get that joke, do you?” Being twenty-two, I had to say, “Dad, I know what a blow-job is. I live in Monmouth, not on Mars.” And then he turned red and felt very awkward, because I think he actually thought I didn’t know about any sexual positions except good ol’ missionary. (I’d been having sex since I was seventeen, with my high-school substitute teacher (who was only 3 years older than me, but that IS how I met him). Dad knew this… when I was seventeen. When my family went to Europe when during my senior year (in highschool) and left me behind because I had tests, he invited that same boyfriend over to keep me company and sleep in THEIR bed so we’d both be more comfortable (because it’s the only queen in the house). But Dad never lept to the conclusion that the three-year-older man wouldn’t teach me fellatio? Come on! But I digress…)
Physically, you know when you’re having a coming-out conversation because you come out of it so sweaty you need to shower, asap, and because everyone else looks interested but extremely uncomfortable. Word-wise, it will probably sound something like this:
YOUR FRIENDS: What? What? What do you mean against-the-rules? You’re [insert age here]. There’s no rules here. Who says?
YOU: My husband.
YOUR FRIENDS: So? Go tell him to shove his rules up his ass. Do it anyway. What’s he gonna do?
YOU (frustrated by now, because they won’t not let you not go to that nude-beach-party, they’ll hammer you, so you say the real reason for why your wet-t-shirt-contest days are over): He’d spank me, actually. I’d prefer not to court his wrath.
YOUR FRIENDS: What the fuck do you mean, he spanks you? That’s fucking abuse! He can’t spank you!
OUTCOME: You just turned an hour glass down on your friendship with these people. They’re “open-minded”. They like to sit and talk all day about how open-minded they are—so open minded that they’ve gone on hill tops shouting it. They’ve gone to sex clubs on Halloween just to see the insanity, they’ve gone to nude-beaches, etc, but they will NEVER understand domestic discipline.
In their minds, it’s already abuse. There’s nothing you can say that’s not going to sound like a battered wife saying that ‘she deserves’ her husband beating her.
Their opinion of you is lowered, and their opinion of your husband, the love of your life, has been decimated. They will hate him, they will give you bad counsel if you ever have a fight with him, they will do everything they can to get you away from him. Eventually you will get sick of it, sick of the way they treat him and the way they talk to you, and you’ll stop hanging out with them. You’ll see that their relationships aren’t any better, and probably much worse, than your own, and the last thing you need is their advice and the last thing you want is their sympathy when you have everything you want in life.
A lot of times, the conversation with these friends will look like this, but the outcome will be the same:
YOUR FRIEND: I wish I had a relationship like yours. It seems like you and your husband are so intimate and cute and he actually pays attention to you. What’s your secret?
YOU: Well… Believe it or not, my husband and I have a Domestic-Discipline relationship. He’s the Head-of-my-Household, he makes rules, I follow them, and then I get spanked if I don’t. (You might go onto explain that you don’t fight so often because of this. Hard decisions actually have a way of being solved, you move on from issues that have been discussed rather than letting them spoil your relationship, and your husband is very hard-working and thinks of you first because he’s trying to set a good example for you. At this point, you’ve already lost her. She got lost right at the word Discipline or at least, Spanking. Later, head of household).
OUTCOME: Is the same as the first conversation. When your friend asked for relationship advice and said that your relationship was better, that was before she knew about the DD. Her opinion of your relationship went from Healthy to Abusive just that fast. She no longer likes your husband, in fact, she now fears him. She will never ask you to talk about your relationship again unless she’s depressed and needing a pick-me-up served as “Well, at least I don’t have her abusive relationship. Mine suddenly doesn’t look that bad.” Eventually you’ll realize this, and then you’ll find a best-friend who doesn’t make you feel like your marriage is something to be ashamed of.
Of course not. It sometimes works out amazingly well. I mean, amazing as in there’s no awkwardness and now you can talk about your relationship all you want, and it’s no big deal.
Right now, the only time it’s worked out is when we told James’ baby sister. She knows. She knows everything about everything we do, and she didn’t even bat an eye. She’s like a rock. And because of this, I feel so much closer to her. I decided that that’s it–she’s family now. She’s my sister, not just my in-law. She’s the coolest chick I know. I enjoy liking her. I enjoy hearing about her day. I enjoy that I can be totally candid with someone for once. I feel utterly protective of her, I love her to death, and if she’s not happy, I’m not happy. It sounds ridiculous, maybe, but because she was the only person I’ve told who reacted in a non-negative way, I feel grateful, relieved, and I actually look forward to it when she comes visiting, like she will next week. She never made any claims that she was open-minded, but her actions speak louder than words.
Though even then I think it worked because she loves her big brother, looks up to him, and she knows that he wouldn’t beat me, that he’s not abusive, and he’s a good guy. I didn’t have to convince her of anything on that account; she’s known him all her life.
Let’s just say it’s easier to get your husband’s friends and family to accept it far, far more than your own. It’s not that you should tell his side BEFORE you come out to your side, it’s that you probably should come out to his side INSTEAD of your side.
I just thought I’d put this post out there for people who know I’m in a DD relationship like them, and they’re filled with a measure of hope because they hate keeping such a major part of their lives hidden from their family and friends, and want to come out about it. They think that because I do spanking work full-time, I must be “out of the closet”.
I hate to kill hope, I can’t give them the advice they want or tell them it’s all gonna end in bubble-gum and lollipops after they just get who they are and what they do off their chests.
You see, I’m a hermit. I almost have no friends anymore, and I do a lot of mysterious conversation-diversion away from myself to avoid talking about anything I do. I allow people to think I’m not successful at all and sit at home all day eating bon-bons and watching television. I lie to a lot of people’s faces, and I tell a lot of half-truths. I hate it, I hate that I have to do that, and I’m lonely most of the time. I go to Spanking Parties just to be “OUT” for a goddamned weekend and feel what it’s like to feel like everyone else does: like they’re not hiding this deep, dark secret. It feels fantastic, but I’m still not going to come out to everyone because I’ve been bitten in the ass a few times by it.
Do I regret DD? To I regret being a spanko? Hell no–I love James. I’d lay down in traffic for James, and James and I wouldn’t have ever even met if we weren’t both spankos who favored DD relationships/lifestyle and wanted it a part of our lives. It’s not a choice, anyway–being a spank-o is built in deep to my genes, and my DD relationship is a key ingredient as to why our relationship is so strong. Without this part of my life, I wouldn’t be ME. For now, I just have to wait, be patient, and hope that my world fills with other people like me or at least like my sis-in-law.
My family has a saying, “If you don’t want a crocodile to come and bite you, don’t hang your ass over them.” So to those of you ladies who want to go for it, allow me to cheer you on. I wish you all the luck in the world, because unfortunately you’re going to need all that luck.
Alright, folks–it’s time to tune you all into my obsessions.
When a Kresley Cole book comes out, like it does today, I take that one day a year and I don’t do anything. Or I try not to. No, no–it’s just a day of me sitting on my sofa reading the newest KC book until until my eyes tire. When my eyes tire, I’ll just go right to my audio book version.
Afterwards, I’ll go into a depression and walk around the place, calling myself a total hack. After THAT, I will make outrageous claims that I will go and kick her ass book sale wise by writing the “Best Romance Novel ever made.” I’ve yet to do it, but I will, because I simply hate being embarrassed like this. She’s really, really good. And unfortunately, as I get better… So does she! She needs to go on hiatus for a few years so I can play some serious catch-up.
Now, there’re barely any spankings in her books; barely any HINTS of it. So for a lot of you, maybe it wouldn’t be up your alley. For my own part, I can’t hold that against her. You see– nobody writes Alpha Males better than KC. Well, except future me. (I still have high hopes about be getting bit by a radioactive pen which will give me super-writing powers.)
That’s what’s happened the last couple of years, anyway (I didn’t know about her until Jan of 2011). This is my Third Annual Kresley Cole day (the date of the day moves every time she makes a release in the Immortals After Dark series, which I’m totally into). Needless to say, I’m so excited that if I was a cockerspaniel, I would have piddled on the floor a million times today already. I’ve been enthused since it was announced probably about six months ago.
This year’s book? Shadow’s Claim. Vampire assassins Check. Demons? Check. Sorceri? Check. Millennial-old men, with all the vigor of their early thirties, chasing after a college-aged immortal? Check.
So, if you’ve read my books, you can see why I fell for HER books–they were right up my alley! I’ll probably post my comments on it after I’m done reading it and going through my post-book depression which will then spur my “I’m a hack!” phase.
So, I’ll see you after I hatch from my KC cocoon everyone. Until then… You should really check her out so I have someone to gush about the Immortals After Dark series with (although her other series ROCKED, too, but they’re completed…)
Four short years ago today, I got to marry the love of my life. He saw me coming down the aisle and didn’t turn and book it like he probably should have, but for my own part, I couldn’t be happier. He gets sexier every single damn year, and he becomes more and more of the cornerstone of my life every day. He’s not just a lover that fulfills my desires until I catch my breath, James is also my teacher, my confidant, my brother-in-our-faith, but he’s also my best friend. I couldn’t live without him.
As some of you already know, I met James over 5 years ago on Spanko.net when I wasn’t even looking for a long-term boyfriend. James just took my breath away. I had an unexplainably good feeling about him right away, enough that I told my career to go screw itself and moved all the way down to Texas to be with him. At the time I would just shrug and say, “Well, it’s the best thing I’ll ever do, or the stupidest.” But I knew then, with every bone in my body, that I was making the right decision.
I once was lamenting to my mother in law that God made me a Spanko. She was obliged to take offense at first, but here’s my reason that I was quick to give her: Being a spanko is not a blessing, not from a young age. To hide what you are for so many years is unbearable, to be ashamed of what you think, how you are, what you desire, for that many years, was miserable. I wondered why I was born this way, why I was this way. It was a hardship for me–I felt like being a Spanko was some sort of condition, like a disease and I hated myself for it. I was humiliated for myself.
But when I met James, it felt like it all made sense. It was fate. I was meant to be “into spanking” because I was meant to be there for James to IM me. It was the thing that hooked us together even though we grew up in separate states. It was the first foundation to our relationship–domestic discipline, with him in charge. We joke that we arranged our own marriage because we made so many decisions and moved in together not knowing much about each other, but knowing that we would grow to love each other, and that DD could work, and it would help bring us together and make us happy. And it worked.
I did fall in love with James, and then he fell in love with me, and spanking kept us from quarreling or making resenting each other. We lived and still live only to make each other proud and happy. We let ourselves like things that the other liked, sometimes with difficulty at first but then with sincerity. We share a love for the same foods, we have the same friends, we love quoting stupid movies every two seconds, we’re even of the same faith now. We miss each other even when he has to go to work for the day.
Four years ago, I just remember thinking that I couldn’t be more in love with James than I was right at that moment. I was so, so wrong! I love him a bizillion times more now than I did then. I love going to sleep with him spooning behind me every night, and then he’s always the first thing I see when I roll over in the morning, and we say, “How blessed we are!”
Was it easy at first? No. It took a lot of nut-grabbing and fear-swallowing. We weren’t sure of ourselves, we were scared, we were afraid we’d look back on this whole thing and call ourselves stupid. But we overcame all of that and made it happen. Now I couldn’t imagine any life in any universe or at any time without him. I’m so grateful of everything in my life that sped me up, slowed me down, gave me grief or joy, anything that put me where I was: on the path to meet him.
But don’t let my mushiness put you off, because I’ll end with this: Thank God for making me a Spanko; it was the most painful part about me and now I see that it was the gift that would lead me to James better than any compass It was been a wonderful, wonderful four years, and I’m looking forward to the next sixty.
Missing out on the spanking party…
I had a great time at TASSP enough that I wanted to make it my goal to check out every and all spanking parties. Especially the big ones. UNFORTUNATELY, life is tough. With tying up loose ends at Blushing Books before I go, with starting a new publishing company for myself and James… we’re booked! I can’t even tell you how many times we smacked our foreheads this weekend and said, “Thank God we decided not to go to Shadow Lane!” Shadow Lane is the largest spanking party in America, thrown at Las Vegas every year for the last 21 years.
We heard it’s the best time ever, too! But imagining ourselves trying to find time to go seemed nightmarish at best. James couldn’t even get time off his day-job to do it, I would have had to go myself… And to fill you in with TMI, on top of everything–nature has scheduled something with me this weekend that’s not cool with Spanking Parties. So nah. Nope, not this year, next year.
Because although it was a relief when we decided to take a pass this year, we felt bad that we weren’t going. We ENJOY spanking parties–A LOT (you can even read about it here in a blog I did in June at the Cherry Red Report: http://www.cherryredreport.com/2012/07/04/texas-spanking-party/).
What do we love?
Meeting people like us? Absolutely. Meeting new friends, seeing old ones again… Definitely. We can’t say we don’t love talking with people that have the same interests. There, you can meet friends on a level you never have before. You don’t have to HIDE anything. And spankos spend a lot of their lives in-the-closet with everyone they know. James and I doubly so because it’s what we do for a living. We lie our FACES off to our closest friends about what we do. We’re so vague with them they have to think we’re secret agents or something by now. With these people–what the hell are we going to hide? They know our deepest secrets already! Now, we can just enjoy each other at face-value. I can talk about work, James and I can even say how we met (on the chatrooms of Spanking Internet).
But more than anything… James and I are exhibitionists.
We didn’t know that’s what we were, not at first. But James LOVES embarrassing me in public with punishments, and this is the only time he can do it.
For example–when we were at Crimson Moon, one of the highlights of the party was when we were hanging out with friends and I was “being snippy” with him (Hello? I was working, and he was asking all these questions!) and so he had me stand in front of him–a mere foot around a friend of mine, Vince, who was with his at-the-time girlfriend giving her a play-spanking. James pulled down my panties and had me pull up my skirt in front of my friends (and there was more than just that couple)… All the way around. So everyone could see my… you know… vagina… while James was lecturing me. Of course, my face was beat-red enough for someone to mention it, and Vince stopped spanking for a second, he and his girlfriend fixated. “Wow. I’m embarrassed on her behalf!” Vince yupped, but he didn’t turn his eyes away. I wanted to melt into the floor. James continued lecturing me until I was finally pulled across his knee–which as exposed as I was, I was perfectly happy to have his lap to cover up my front–and he began spanking me about 10x harder than Vince was spanking HIS girlfriend.
But really, I’m no different than James. I like sucking up the attention–the GOOD attention–from men when they take me across their knees for a spanking while James watches on in an approving way. More than anything on the planet, I like watching JAMES spank OTHER girls. Muahaha!
And since we were letting friends stay in a room with us at Crimson Moon, we were only seperated from them by a partition… And James and I had sex behind it while they were in the room. They couldn’t see us, but I imagine the sounds were unmistakable. I REALLY enjoyed it. Not often can I orgasm without just the penis alone–normally there needs to be more stimulation than that. Not this time. The naughtiness that abounded was such a turn-on that I was orgasming in moments. Now, would we have had sex with other friends in the room (the non-spanking variety)? Hell, no. We don’t even tell sex-jokes with our everyday friends. Our conversations are very PG. But this gave us a way to break out. Be naughty, try new things…
And so, while our friends have had a blast at Shadow Lane all weekend, we really missed out, and we’re feeling it. Nothing to have been done for it–it had to be missed. But spanking parties only happen a couple of times a year… And we missed our oppertunity. Next year, Shadow Lane. NEXT YEAR, the Johnsons are a’commin’!
Yep. That’s why I haven’t written in a week… Saturday the 21st, I turned the big 2-5. My parents gave me eye-cream for my already coming-in crow’s feet. (James says we’re imagining it, but I definitely don’t look like I’m 18 anymore. I’m aging, and it sucks.)
We went up to Portland for Thanksgiving the day after and stayed there until I came home Monday morning after an all-night flight. There was a lot of dangers there for a spoiled woman like myself:
1) I’m defensive when I’m up there. My parents were actually well-behaved, but I felt like I was making up for lost time. Normally they’re pretty insulting towards me (not that they mean to be bad-natured, they just like to pick on people), but this time, not so much. So, I think I overly teased them, as is my normal demeanor when I’m there.
2) Diet? Forget about it. It possibly started at Outback Steakhouse on my birthday—the gorging festivities—but it probably actually started when I went out with James’ best friend’s wife to a double feature of the new and old Twilight movies on the 19th, where I feasted on a large Dr. Pepper, popcorn, and M&Ms. I *shared* them (not the Dr. Pepper), but I imagine I still added at least 3,000 calories to a place where they didn’t need to go. My stomach.
Afterwards—crab fests (Dungeness crab is in season there), chocolate cheesecake, Thanksgiving, French bread at every meal… Makes me wonder why I wasn’t fatter when I was young. James and I joke that we ate so richly last week, we were lucky that all we gained was weight. We’re lucky we didn’t walk away with the gout.
3) Spankings? Ha. Where could we do it? My parents are INCREDIBLY nosy and we don’t have a car up there. We can’t even have *sex* in my family’s house, for god sakes. We tried, mind you, while they were out, but then my father came home from work early and started calling our names, and seemed generally hurt that we didn’t answer right away, like we were avoiding him or something. We had sex only once. In the middle of the night, to the sounds of their snoring… Sigh. Anyway, in case you didn’t get the hint: spanking = impossibility.
4) James was sick… The whole time. He’s still a little sick. Hopefully he doesn’t have bronchitis or swine flu. I might be getting a touch of something myself. Anyway, when James is sick, James doesn’t do well at roasting my tush anyway. He likes to lecture, and he can’t do that amongst the coughs and the sneezing.
BUT NOW? NOW WILL SPANKINGS COMMENCE?
I suppose so. James told me that he expects that I make a food journal and actually maintain a healthy diet to write in it by the time he gets home from work. I have a huge pile of laundry that he expects done AND I have to write, because I have a short story due at SpankingRomance.com this week, and he wants me to write at least a chapter’s worth before bed tonight, “or else”. So—there’s definitely potential.
The dieting, to me, is most important. Yeah, I like to make Christmas cookies, but I need to behave. We’re going to Florida next month and I don’t want to look like a cow when I’m there. I need to lose any weight I gained in Oregon, plus some. And I can do it. Stay tuned.
That’s right—the reminder that James and I, though very generous with our advice, have been only married for a single year—not even! This Sunday, on the 8th, we’re approaching our one-year anniversary. Whoot!
That’s why we won’t be blogging until Monday, at the least. We’re going up to Kerrville, TX and Los Maples and we’re hikin’ until Sunday and then we’re going for dinner at the Melting Pot. It’s bound to be tons of fun.
What do you like about being married?
I really just enjoy being married in itself. And because I’m more honest on my blog than anywhere else, I like that marriage applies a sort of “ownership”—we have formed really into “one”, and because of that, we really hold an allegiance together that I don’t think people who are “just dating” really get. James and I are really invested in the other. There’s also the knowledge that our future, despite what may happen to politics or economics or work, always lies together, and that’s very comforting.
In short—partnerships/relationships may feel like they fill the void—but nothing quite does it like marriage. I know sometimes you think that if you get married that you will be stuck forever with someone who’s NOT into spanking, or IS into spanking, and you’re scared to death that you won’t be able to get out of it.
Don’t feel that way—marriage can fill the void that spanking can’t, and marriage is stronger than a dislike of discipline. Either way, it’s better to be married than to not be married.
Is it easy?
Like breathing. Now—you know it’s easier to breathe in the clear air of the country than in the muggy cities. Same thing—it’s not easy in adversity. James and I have been so stressed nearly all year by finances, and house-sales, and home-improvement, and everything else. There have been times where I have been at each other’s throats—defensive, exasperated, etc. But we’ve pressed through it until we’re breathing fresh air again.
So, make sure your priorities are straight—it’s all fine and good meeting gentlemen in hotel rooms for a fine evening of spanking, but there’s nothing like a man you can cuddle with on Saturday mornings (and James LOVES cuddling). If you’re lucky though, you can find both–if you want them to be seperate things, then… Choose marriage, and loose the spanking–because you can have a happy marriage without it. But just don’t go through life alone!