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Last blog, I promised to tear a new one for an article that was published by ABC news last February, called, “Study: Spanking May Lead to Sexual Problems Later“. And I will. I want to debunk the whole myth about where Spankos come from and how they come to be.

It’s not an exact science. Actually, I would be really surprised if you got the same history of a Spanko twice. We all came to being in such different ways! So, sorry, if you’re reading this for what you should and should not do with your children that would keep them from becoming spankos, then you’re done with this blog entry. I was into spanking since I can remember, same with my husband. Others I’ve met started getting into it when they were in their teens, some as adults!

Some spankos were spanked as kids, some weren’t. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most weren’t spanked as children. I rarely meet a spanko that was spanked growing up. I certainly wasn’t. My husband was a few times.

A thing I must address about this article in particular is this sentence—this is something that grinds my gears:

  • The analysis of four studies by Murray Straus, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire-Durham, suggests that children whose parents spanked, slapped, hit or threw objects at them may have a greater chance of physically or verbally coercing a sexual partner, engaging in risky sexual behavior or engaging in masochistic sex, including sexual arousal by spanking. ”

Alright—read the paragraph, and read the lettering in blue. Are they serious? Are they seriously lining spanking up with slapping, hitting, and THROWING OBJECTS AT CHILDREN? Yeah, that might screw me up, too, if my parents did that to me. My mother is an occupational therapist in a mental ward, so I know a lot about the histories of a lot of psychological disorders. I know for a fact that most of the people that have these disorders have had trauma in their younger life, including being beaten by their parents.

Of course, I’m not including spanking as “beating”. I’m not going to go into whether using corporal punishment on children is wrong or right—but beating? Beating your kid is always wrong. Throwing things at them is always wrong. Slapping anywhere other than the butt is always wrong. The appropriateness of spanking, though, is an actual argument—and I’m not going to argue this here.

All I can say is that people that take part in domestic discipline are always horrified and dismayed by people that go on ahead and throw spanking in the same pool as hitting and throwing things at someone. Physical abuse, in short. Most of the people in the lifestyle are not trying to throw out their anger on someone, or hurt the person they love. DD folks feel what they’re doing isn’t controlling someone; it’s helping that person control themselves.

This is why they say that spanking leads to spankos: because it has something to do with how the child processes the punishment.

“They may internalize that to mean that in loving relationships sometimes there’s pain or physical aggression,” she says. Another possible lesson is that “whoever is stronger and has more power can overpower the other person and use physical aggression to control the other person’s behavior.”

Sigh. I think they’re getting the desire of spankos mixed up with bullies. Not all spankos are bullies. Bullying is not what gets most of us off, I assure you. A lot of spankos are in it for different reasons. Some like just the site of a naked ass. Some people like the sight of a pink ass. Simplistic, maybe. But honest. Others get off of the humiliation portion of a spanking—the reducing a person to a childlike state through making them feel vulnerable, and then helping them recollect themselves again. Some people are into spanking because they think it’s emotionally releasing.

I’m not going to bore you by ranting—I think most of you reading this article have been exasperated by similar assumptions and judgments. But it’s really my belief that it’s all a misunderstanding. I think these people need to be better informed.

I think most people’s problem is they don’t know our motivations—our inner selves. They don’t know what makes us tick, so they have to assume. And you know what they say when you assume.

A lot of the confusion that makes spankos seem so ludicrous to the vanilla crowed is from people not being able to decipher between masochists and spankos. Well, in my next blog, we’re going to be spelling it out. So stay tuned.

2 Responses to The Psychology of a Spanko

  • I don’t think I developed a fetish because I was spanked, but rather because I saw images of spanking when I was toddler and found them so shocking/unsettling that they became sexualized. When my parents later DID spank me, it was a sexually-charged experience. So in one sense, it really doesn’t matter which came first, the fetish or the spanking—either way, if you spank a kid with kinky tendencies, you’re interacting with them in a way that can be very, very violating.

    • I could defiantly see that. I wasn’t spanked by my parents at all. But when they threatened it, I became really unsettled by the thought, like spanking was something that shouldn’t be mentioned, touched on, performed, or even discussed by any of them and if they did it would be the worst thing ever. I could even call it a “violation” if they even threatened it.

      But I couldn’t explain why back then. Even now I don’t think my fear behind it was that I would be *sexually* violated. And maybe if it had happened, I don’t know how I’d feel.

      I was swatted by my preschool director once, and it wasn’t my fault that I was in trouble, and I remember being mostly troubled by the sheer injustice of it all. (I wasn’t the only one who felt I had been served an injustice, either. One of the college interns gave me their cupcake to cheer me up). I hadn’t been troubled about being spanked, and I was interested in spanking already even at that point. It was the worst, but I remember the scariest part was being screamed at. Not even the spanking. So maybe if my parents had done it I would have been traumatized over it, but maybe not even by the spanking. I just don’t know.

      And I definitely know a few people who feel like that, like they felt their parents sexually violated them with spanking without knowing about it. I also know tons of people, like my husband, who were spanked as kids and just shrug it off. Like it was no big deal. They think of childhood spankings just how I imagine a vanilla would, despite spanking being a sexual thing for them, as well.

      I don’t know if the feeling of violation would have been felt out of 1/10 spanko kids or 5/10, or more. And I can’t say if people shouldn’t spank their kids because there’s a 1/100,000 chance that their kid’s going to feel sexually violated from it. I just can’t say. I don’t know the numbers. And I know there’s an opinion that if there are any kids, even one or two, that would feel that way that the practice shouldn’t happen. I can see either side, and understand it.

      But I definitely didn’t write the article saying that people should spank their kids! Not at all! I wrote just to say… that spankos, if they can be at all, aren’t normally made because of their parents’ discipline techniques. In fact, I think it’s dangerous for any article to treat becoming a spanko, D/S, or a BDSM player like it was some accidentally lab experiment that can be created and recreated with certain practices. Those sort of articles, even though this is an old blog article I wrote back years ago, still make me uncomfortable. Like they think I’m a lab experiment that went wrong and shouldn’t be the way that I am, when I was born this way. No matter what happened in my childhood, I don’t think it could have been blocked out or changed. It’s in my DNA. That’s my own experience, at least.

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